It was as if God was telling me to slow down and appreciate things more, for what they are and the inherent joy that they bring. As I see people from my generation conquering their own little worlds, making the most of their youth and enjoying the finances and the personal successes they achieve, I feel a sense of envy. That feeling that I still have when I see people having more material things than the little that I have now...
It seems so sad and disappointing that my personal plans of starting a business right out of college and becoming the entrepreneur that I aspired to be, has now become a faraway dream that seems to be lost in the midst of all my responsibilities.
Alas, these things never really mattered to me after I had her...
What I have now, the feelings deep inside me, the silence that has engulfed me emanates from one hidden corner in my heart... I am in a state of lamentation... even as I profess my undying love and acceptance for my little angel, the truth manifests otherwise. To say that I am sad may never measure to the darkness I feel inside my soul... for I know that my little angel, the one that I have loved and still love will sooner leave me and break my heart, break my soul and will join God in heaven too early and too soon...
I have had this period of mourning for quite some time, I have lost my sense of self due to the circumstances of her life... I was once confident, my self esteem as high as it could be, I was so sure and self-possessed. In college, I spoke my mind and expressed all the zeal and passion that I know was right and believed in.
And then she came, I cried inside when we knew. When we found out, my eternal winter began... my sorrow lives everyday... But of course, this was not to be. Nobody should know, I should smile. Make everyone believe that I was strong, but I wasn't. Not really.
At the office, I soon began to lose my voice; I just went with the flow and did what I was supposed to do. I stopped myself from asserting what I thought should be done... I was in stasis. In life, I surrendered everything to God, I prayed each night, I tried to attend daily mass... but my sadness resonated, it prospered and engulfed me... I am lost...
I may never find the person that I was but I try my best to be the father that my two angels need... but deep inside they will never know that my heart is broken... broken by the fact that my little Sophie is God's imperfect angel...
Yet we survive, life goes on and it would not stop for me. I find happiness in them but I pray... I pray really hard that my God, the one I prayed to each night, would protect both my angels and especially the older one with the most need. I love them both and I am trying my very best to be the most that I can be...
You, Lord, reign forever; your throne endures from generation to generation. Why do you always forget us? Why do you forsake us so long? Restore us to yourself, Lord, that we may return; renew our days as of old unless you have utterly rejected us and are angry with us beyond measure.(Lamentations 5:19-22)
