Anticipating a new week for me has lost its luster, my life has become so redundant. Everything has been pre-determined and I live a scheduled life. I wake up early to prepare for office and then it ends, after that I go straight to school and wait until classes end.
Sometimes I don't actually feel how it is to live anymore, this stringent schedule has made me numb. I miss the times when I had little to do and a lot to ponder, now my time is eaten up by doing and less on pondering. I feel so disconnected with my life and I hope that one day something happens to re-energize my stagnated existence.
Daddy's tired...
Sophie just celebrated her 2nd birthday. A lot of people came and I really did feel the love they had for her. I can't put into words how much I appreciate their support for our little angel.
But the past few days have been extremely challenging for me, I think I am nearing the end of both my patience and tolerance. It has been a difficult two years for me. In that time frame, I have done so much more than I could have ever dreamed of doing when I was younger. I am drained mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. If not for stock trading, my family would probably be begging money of the streets. The financial burden is too much to bear and this prompted me to find new work, but I am having doubts because of the daily needs of my little angel. She has a lot of appointments to address her special needs and I am her driver. It is a challenge to move her around because of her needs and given that it is only my wife who takes primary care of her, mobility is a necessity.The problem I now face is whether or not I should prioritize my career or my little angel, but with my present salary, I am unable to afford even the daily necessities for myself. I still don't know the answer.
As she had just turned two I have been doing some research about her condition and the possibility of achieving her maximum potential. Although I have long accepted the fact that she may never be as normal as other children would become, I still hold on to that hope that she may one day live as a normal child. This has caused substantial frustration on my part because even that hope may never be realized, as her new therapist and Tito has made clear to us, normal is something that special needs children could never become only the best that they could with what they have.
Sometimes I still wonder why this burden has been placed upon my shoulders, I thought at this age I would have a house of my own and my own car. I was saving up for that dream as far back as high school, but when she came, everything changed. I am not blaming my little angel for my unrealized dream, I guess I'm just questioning the reasons why she became what she is. I love her dearly more so than my life and my self.
I am just so tired... fending for my family and neglecting my well-being. I have been sick so many times the past year as the burden of school, work and family life has taken its toll on me. It has aged me a few decades, I believe. I just hope that I find new sources of energy and doing this blog provides a channel for my frustrations. I feel trapped by the circumstances of my life and I wish that one day I will be able to take charge of it, as I used to.
Pray for me. Pray for Sophie.
But the past few days have been extremely challenging for me, I think I am nearing the end of both my patience and tolerance. It has been a difficult two years for me. In that time frame, I have done so much more than I could have ever dreamed of doing when I was younger. I am drained mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. If not for stock trading, my family would probably be begging money of the streets. The financial burden is too much to bear and this prompted me to find new work, but I am having doubts because of the daily needs of my little angel. She has a lot of appointments to address her special needs and I am her driver. It is a challenge to move her around because of her needs and given that it is only my wife who takes primary care of her, mobility is a necessity.The problem I now face is whether or not I should prioritize my career or my little angel, but with my present salary, I am unable to afford even the daily necessities for myself. I still don't know the answer.
As she had just turned two I have been doing some research about her condition and the possibility of achieving her maximum potential. Although I have long accepted the fact that she may never be as normal as other children would become, I still hold on to that hope that she may one day live as a normal child. This has caused substantial frustration on my part because even that hope may never be realized, as her new therapist and Tito has made clear to us, normal is something that special needs children could never become only the best that they could with what they have.
Sometimes I still wonder why this burden has been placed upon my shoulders, I thought at this age I would have a house of my own and my own car. I was saving up for that dream as far back as high school, but when she came, everything changed. I am not blaming my little angel for my unrealized dream, I guess I'm just questioning the reasons why she became what she is. I love her dearly more so than my life and my self.
I am just so tired... fending for my family and neglecting my well-being. I have been sick so many times the past year as the burden of school, work and family life has taken its toll on me. It has aged me a few decades, I believe. I just hope that I find new sources of energy and doing this blog provides a channel for my frustrations. I feel trapped by the circumstances of my life and I wish that one day I will be able to take charge of it, as I used to.
Pray for me. Pray for Sophie.
LIFE: 2 years old
on Monday, August 29, 2011
Malapit na pala. Hindi ko napansin, ang bilis ng oras. Parang kailan lang nung tinitignan kita sa salamin. Akala ko hindi totoo, natatakot ako nun. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko ba, kung magiging mabuting ama ba ako sa iyo. Ngayon, ilang araw na lang at mag-dadalawang taon ka na. Hindi pa din ako sigurado kung tama ba lahat ng desisyon ko pero iisa lang ang alam ko sinubukan ko lahat upang maibigay sa iyo ang lahat ng kailangan mo.
My daughter, Sophia will be celebrating her 2nd birthday on September 12, 2011. She is sick. She has Cerebral Palsy, we found out before her 1st birthday that her brain did not fully developed while inside the womb. I cried. I did not know what to do then and I am still confused to this day.
We had her checked with all the doctors we thought she needed. She had all the necessary medical exams that they told us she must undergo, every time I saw her being injected and sedated I tell myself to control my tears. For a soon to be two year old baby, she had undergone more medical examinations than I ever did in my twenty five years of existence.
Now, we are at a cross road in her life. She must catch up with her development in order to fully realize her potential because some of her medical consultants are unimpressed with her progress. I pray to God that she be healed and be as normal as she can be, but I have accepted that this may never happen as she was born special.
I know in time, God will show me the real reasons for her sickness and I know that by that time I will be able to fully comprehend why my daughter was singled out.
For now, all I can do is wish and hope for her well being and happiness. In God's time everything will be revealed.
My daughter, Sophia will be celebrating her 2nd birthday on September 12, 2011. She is sick. She has Cerebral Palsy, we found out before her 1st birthday that her brain did not fully developed while inside the womb. I cried. I did not know what to do then and I am still confused to this day.
We had her checked with all the doctors we thought she needed. She had all the necessary medical exams that they told us she must undergo, every time I saw her being injected and sedated I tell myself to control my tears. For a soon to be two year old baby, she had undergone more medical examinations than I ever did in my twenty five years of existence.
Now, we are at a cross road in her life. She must catch up with her development in order to fully realize her potential because some of her medical consultants are unimpressed with her progress. I pray to God that she be healed and be as normal as she can be, but I have accepted that this may never happen as she was born special.
I know in time, God will show me the real reasons for her sickness and I know that by that time I will be able to fully comprehend why my daughter was singled out.
For now, all I can do is wish and hope for her well being and happiness. In God's time everything will be revealed.
LIFE: Sickness
on Friday, April 15, 2011
Yesterday, we went to Alabang to pay the taxes due for our house there. Everything went by so smoothly and we were home bound almost immediately. We then went to the mall to have lunch where I saw an old friend.
On the way home, we received a text message from a relative and told us that my cancer-stricken aunt was already in critical condition and we had to go and see her as the doctors had already given up on her. We immediately told my dad, he's the eldest by the way, and he took it quite lightly but the whole trip to the hospital he was talking about everything and anything. Perhaps, it was just his way to cope up with the stress and sadness knowing that your little sister whom you cared for and loved is but a few moments away from leaving you.
When we got there, I immediately saw my cousins crying outside the door of her room. I later found out that it was because the doctors told them to prepare for the worse. Everyone cried. My dad went in first and talked to her and stayed by her side. I just lingered outside since I didn't have the courage to see her. We just stayed outside as my uncle and my other relatives recounted her life and shared stories about her.
I mustered enough courage to go inside and when I saw her I teared up. She can no longer breath on her own and as they told me her heart has stopped pumping blood so she was hooked up to a slew of medical apparatus. All that remained of my aunt were skin and bones, a spectre of her former jovial and lively self.
My dad never left her side and just held her hand and talked to her in the loudest voice possible reassuring her that everything will be alright. I guess that's how he tried to cope up with the sadness and grief...
I prayed the rosary. I wished and hoped that she will be saved. We left knowing that everything remains uncertain and only time may determine the outcome of their family's ordeal.
On the way home, we received a text message from a relative and told us that my cancer-stricken aunt was already in critical condition and we had to go and see her as the doctors had already given up on her. We immediately told my dad, he's the eldest by the way, and he took it quite lightly but the whole trip to the hospital he was talking about everything and anything. Perhaps, it was just his way to cope up with the stress and sadness knowing that your little sister whom you cared for and loved is but a few moments away from leaving you.
When we got there, I immediately saw my cousins crying outside the door of her room. I later found out that it was because the doctors told them to prepare for the worse. Everyone cried. My dad went in first and talked to her and stayed by her side. I just lingered outside since I didn't have the courage to see her. We just stayed outside as my uncle and my other relatives recounted her life and shared stories about her.
I mustered enough courage to go inside and when I saw her I teared up. She can no longer breath on her own and as they told me her heart has stopped pumping blood so she was hooked up to a slew of medical apparatus. All that remained of my aunt were skin and bones, a spectre of her former jovial and lively self.
My dad never left her side and just held her hand and talked to her in the loudest voice possible reassuring her that everything will be alright. I guess that's how he tried to cope up with the sadness and grief...
I prayed the rosary. I wished and hoped that she will be saved. We left knowing that everything remains uncertain and only time may determine the outcome of their family's ordeal.
for the lack of anything better to do...
on Wednesday, April 6, 2011
in short, wala akong magawa. nakakatamad hehehe
hindi ko na maalala yung iba kong napagaralan kaya inaantok ako sa kakaisip [^_^]
so sleepy... [O_o]
I just want to go to bed and sleep...
hindi ko na maalala yung iba kong napagaralan kaya inaantok ako sa kakaisip [^_^]
so sleepy... [O_o]
I just want to go to bed and sleep...
LIFE: Revelation
on Monday, April 4, 2011
Baby Angel is turning two this September, I can't believe it has been two years since she was born. Two whole years of being a dad. I still don't see myself as a father, though it may sound weird but I always thought that I would be a kid forever.
Maybe I have Peter Pan syndrome.
Looking back, it has been an emotionally taxing year, everything happened so fast yet it seems to have dragged on forever. Reminiscing the day she was born, my wife was taken to the delivery room early in the morning around 5:00am. She was being prepped up for caesarian delivery, my mother-in-law and I waited nervously and excitedly for her. It was about 7:45 and the receptionist told us that we could go inside, she was delivered 7:21.
We went inside the hallway of the delivery room and there she was in an incubator. She was so small, I hardly saw any resemblance all I knew was that she's beautiful. We were only allowed to hold her through a glove like device at the side of the incubator. I felt her skin and touched her. Mama was crying. I felt like my chest was about to burst but I stopped myself from crying. Then they took her away.
Later in the day, we were all so excited to see her as she was displayed in the nursery. I was the first one who saw her, that was the time I cried.
Being a father was something I did not expect. I was afraid of the responsibilities it brought and also I feared that I won't be good at it and mess her up. All I know now is all you can do is try your very best. Even if you're best is not good enough just hope and pray that everything will turn out right.
Maybe I have Peter Pan syndrome.
Looking back, it has been an emotionally taxing year, everything happened so fast yet it seems to have dragged on forever. Reminiscing the day she was born, my wife was taken to the delivery room early in the morning around 5:00am. She was being prepped up for caesarian delivery, my mother-in-law and I waited nervously and excitedly for her. It was about 7:45 and the receptionist told us that we could go inside, she was delivered 7:21.
We went inside the hallway of the delivery room and there she was in an incubator. She was so small, I hardly saw any resemblance all I knew was that she's beautiful. We were only allowed to hold her through a glove like device at the side of the incubator. I felt her skin and touched her. Mama was crying. I felt like my chest was about to burst but I stopped myself from crying. Then they took her away.
Later in the day, we were all so excited to see her as she was displayed in the nursery. I was the first one who saw her, that was the time I cried.
Being a father was something I did not expect. I was afraid of the responsibilities it brought and also I feared that I won't be good at it and mess her up. All I know now is all you can do is try your very best. Even if you're best is not good enough just hope and pray that everything will turn out right.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)