Anticipating a new week for me has lost its luster, my life has become so redundant. Everything has been pre-determined and I live a scheduled life. I wake up early to prepare for office and then it ends, after that I go straight to school and wait until classes end.
Sometimes I don't actually feel how it is to live anymore, this stringent schedule has made me numb. I miss the times when I had little to do and a lot to ponder, now my time is eaten up by doing and less on pondering. I feel so disconnected with my life and I hope that one day something happens to re-energize my stagnated existence.
Daddy's tired...
Sophie just celebrated her 2nd birthday. A lot of people came and I really did feel the love they had for her. I can't put into words how much I appreciate their support for our little angel.
But the past few days have been extremely challenging for me, I think I am nearing the end of both my patience and tolerance. It has been a difficult two years for me. In that time frame, I have done so much more than I could have ever dreamed of doing when I was younger. I am drained mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. If not for stock trading, my family would probably be begging money of the streets. The financial burden is too much to bear and this prompted me to find new work, but I am having doubts because of the daily needs of my little angel. She has a lot of appointments to address her special needs and I am her driver. It is a challenge to move her around because of her needs and given that it is only my wife who takes primary care of her, mobility is a necessity.The problem I now face is whether or not I should prioritize my career or my little angel, but with my present salary, I am unable to afford even the daily necessities for myself. I still don't know the answer.
As she had just turned two I have been doing some research about her condition and the possibility of achieving her maximum potential. Although I have long accepted the fact that she may never be as normal as other children would become, I still hold on to that hope that she may one day live as a normal child. This has caused substantial frustration on my part because even that hope may never be realized, as her new therapist and Tito has made clear to us, normal is something that special needs children could never become only the best that they could with what they have.
Sometimes I still wonder why this burden has been placed upon my shoulders, I thought at this age I would have a house of my own and my own car. I was saving up for that dream as far back as high school, but when she came, everything changed. I am not blaming my little angel for my unrealized dream, I guess I'm just questioning the reasons why she became what she is. I love her dearly more so than my life and my self.
I am just so tired... fending for my family and neglecting my well-being. I have been sick so many times the past year as the burden of school, work and family life has taken its toll on me. It has aged me a few decades, I believe. I just hope that I find new sources of energy and doing this blog provides a channel for my frustrations. I feel trapped by the circumstances of my life and I wish that one day I will be able to take charge of it, as I used to.
Pray for me. Pray for Sophie.
But the past few days have been extremely challenging for me, I think I am nearing the end of both my patience and tolerance. It has been a difficult two years for me. In that time frame, I have done so much more than I could have ever dreamed of doing when I was younger. I am drained mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. If not for stock trading, my family would probably be begging money of the streets. The financial burden is too much to bear and this prompted me to find new work, but I am having doubts because of the daily needs of my little angel. She has a lot of appointments to address her special needs and I am her driver. It is a challenge to move her around because of her needs and given that it is only my wife who takes primary care of her, mobility is a necessity.The problem I now face is whether or not I should prioritize my career or my little angel, but with my present salary, I am unable to afford even the daily necessities for myself. I still don't know the answer.
As she had just turned two I have been doing some research about her condition and the possibility of achieving her maximum potential. Although I have long accepted the fact that she may never be as normal as other children would become, I still hold on to that hope that she may one day live as a normal child. This has caused substantial frustration on my part because even that hope may never be realized, as her new therapist and Tito has made clear to us, normal is something that special needs children could never become only the best that they could with what they have.
Sometimes I still wonder why this burden has been placed upon my shoulders, I thought at this age I would have a house of my own and my own car. I was saving up for that dream as far back as high school, but when she came, everything changed. I am not blaming my little angel for my unrealized dream, I guess I'm just questioning the reasons why she became what she is. I love her dearly more so than my life and my self.
I am just so tired... fending for my family and neglecting my well-being. I have been sick so many times the past year as the burden of school, work and family life has taken its toll on me. It has aged me a few decades, I believe. I just hope that I find new sources of energy and doing this blog provides a channel for my frustrations. I feel trapped by the circumstances of my life and I wish that one day I will be able to take charge of it, as I used to.
Pray for me. Pray for Sophie.
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