Then and Now

on Sunday, August 10, 2014
Once upon a time, I used to think I can conquer the world, to change it and make it to something I wish it to be. I was so confident then, knowing that the world is something I can conquer. I was so young then, so naive. But then I had to grow up as fast as I could, I had a daughter. A special gift sent from heaven, my own piece of humble pie.

It was as if God was telling me to slow down and appreciate things more, for what they are and the inherent joy that they bring. As I see people from my generation conquering their own little worlds, making the most of their youth and enjoying the finances and the personal successes they achieve, I feel a sense of envy. That feeling that I still have when I see people having more material things than the little that I have now...

It seems so sad and disappointing that my personal plans of starting a business right out of college and becoming the entrepreneur that I aspired to be, has now become a faraway dream that seems to be lost in the midst of all my responsibilities.

Alas, these things never really mattered to me after I had her...

What I have now, the feelings deep inside me, the silence that has engulfed me emanates from one hidden corner in my heart... I am in a state of lamentation... even as I profess my undying love and acceptance for my little angel, the truth manifests otherwise. To say that I am sad may never measure to the darkness I feel inside my soul... for I know that my little angel, the one that I have loved and still love will sooner leave me and break my heart, break my soul and will join God in heaven too early and too soon...

I have had this period of mourning for quite some time, I have lost my sense of self due to the circumstances of her life... I was once confident, my self esteem as high as it could be, I was so sure and self-possessed. In college, I spoke my mind and expressed all the zeal and passion that I know was right and believed in.

And then she came, I cried inside when we knew. When we found out, my eternal winter began... my sorrow lives everyday... But of course, this was not to be. Nobody should know, I should smile. Make everyone believe that I was strong, but I wasn't. Not really.

At the office, I soon began to lose my voice; I just went with the flow and did what I was supposed to do. I stopped myself from asserting what I thought should be done... I was in stasis. In life, I surrendered everything to God, I prayed each night, I tried to attend daily mass... but my sadness resonated, it prospered and engulfed me... I am lost...

I may never find the person that I was but I try my best to be the father that my two angels need... but deep inside they will never know that my heart is broken... broken by the fact that my little Sophie is God's imperfect angel...

Yet we survive, life goes on and it would not stop for me. I find happiness in them but I pray... I pray really hard that my God, the one I prayed to each night, would protect both my angels and especially the older one with the most need. I love them both and I am trying my very best to be the most that I can be... 

You, Lord, reign forever; your throne endures from generation to generation. Why do you always forget us? Why do you forsake us so long? Restore us to yourself, Lord, that we may return; renew our days as of old unless you have utterly rejected us and are angry with us beyond measure.(Lamentations 5:19-22)

Kids in Action

on Sunday, April 6, 2014
You really cannot describe how it feels to be a parent, to be a dad exact! It just brings a certain kind of happiness that you never have to explain or sometimes you can't even explain. Looking at my kids in action brings so much joy to my heart.

Just wanted to share how big they've become, something to look back to when they've grown up and are no longer my little angels. [^_^]

Riding the Ferris Wheel

Chasing the Pigeons at Venice Piazza

Some random moments at home

Happy New Year!

on Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Time sure does fly, I can't believe that it's already 2014. One year went by so fast, it's as if you blink and then when you open your eyes everything seems to have passed and it's the New Year.

As they say, the New Year brings new possibilities, so it's a fresh start for everyone. But then again, anyone can always start fresh anytime of the year.

Anyway, all I wanted to say was Happy New Year to all and let the promise of this year be realized for everyone, a promise of prosperity and bountiful blessings!


Moving forward...

on Saturday, November 30, 2013
Life seems to be in a constant flat line, moving forward means taking on new things. With everything that is happening around me, new directions could be taken and different perspectives may be considered. This journey that we call life, has always been entrenched in discovering the unknown and defining what could be. In a few weeks' time, a new year beckons and with it new opportunities, I hope that it would usher things that would make me grow as a person.

I am looking forward to these new challenges and I hope that with God's good graces I will move forward with my head held up high.

Of stones and moss...

on Sunday, August 18, 2013
A rolling stone gathers no moss...

Something to ponder on, being young makes you feel like you can do anything and be everywhere... Sometimes you just have to sit still and persist and not change decisions after awhile...

I have always viewed myself as a kindred soul, that's probably why I was never comfortable anywhere but as I grow older I realized that you have to stick to and hold on what you believe in even though things are not perfect.

For now, I am happy where my life is at and have convinced myself to stop searching and wandering.

Quiet time.

on Tuesday, July 30, 2013
For the longest time, I have always been looking for something missing in my life; always wanting to change and seek something new. But for some weird reason, I think I have found peace in where I am right now, I have accepted that there are things that cannot be changed, that institutions are never perfect and that people no matter how well intentioned they are will most definitely be less than the expectations you placed on them.

It really is true, if you want to live a happy life lower your expectations. The sooner one accepts this tenet the happier they will be; perhaps it's because I'm getting older or maybe just tired of all the running around and chasing my dreams, that I have finally come to terms with my expectations and realize that living my life should be just about that.

Living life is one heck of a ride, and I think I have found the perfect speed to drive through it :-)


on Saturday, March 23, 2013
We have been waiting for this for such a long time, it has defined how we have lived since we noticed she was not like everyone else. Going to the doctor's office after about three years of searching for an answer is like signing my daughter's life away to a disease that only a handful of people know. It was a fateful day for my family and for me, I was anxious and nervous but also a bit relieved knowing that we will finally know...

We had to wait since someone came first, looking at the baby before us I thought how could he be afflicted with a genetic disease, so innocent and so young... maybe 10 months old at most. I wondered in my head why there were imperfect angels and what was the reason God gave them and their families a special burden, a cross they have to carry all their lives.

I was jittery, I lingered and walked around until it was our turn. I knew in my heart that Sophie had Cockayne Syndrome; it was a gut feel that I had felt the moment our good geneticist told us that it was the suspect diagnosis. But now the confirmatory test is here, and it gave me the same answer I have always known in my heart... Deep inside I was crying, praying and yearning for God to give my daughter the life she deserved but alas, I knew that things would be different and that she herself although beautiful in our eyes will never be like any other child.

The geneticist was telling us every sign of the CS Type I, which my little angel belonged to. Small frame, curved back, difficulty in digestion, small head, hearing loss, total or partial blindness, mental handicap and  photosensitivity. She was as kind and as compassionate as any doctor could be, we just kept silent but with questions popping here and there, of which she more than happily replied to.

I knew from that moment, and the fear that I have always had in my heart. My daughter would only live up to 20 years of age, at most. They are telling me that only God can tell but I knew that one day I had to let her go and I was dying inside knowing that my first born, my lovely angel would leave God's good earth before me... I felt numb and I started crying inside... But of course, I had to stay strong for my wife, for my mom and especially for my little Sophie.

The most painful part of it was, she was just staring at me blankly with all her innocence perhaps asking what is the matter or what will happen to her. I have always known that although she may not be as mentally or emotionally developed as children her age, she was bright and inquisitive, which makes it even more painful since I feel like she is trapped inside her own body but yearning to be set free...

We left the office, expressed our gratitude and said our goodbyes to our kind and compassionate doctor. On our way home, we talked about the prospects of her life but we knew that our little angel will pull through and we promised in our hearts and in those moments of silence that we will love her no less.  

I was a young dad when she came and then I had to grow up as fast as I could so that I could provide stability in our household but I never expected that she, of all people, would be the one who will carry the heaviest cross... I just hope and pray that God will give all of us the strength to go through and make the most of our love and time with our dear little angel.

But my heart remains broken.